For The First Time
by craycrayforbenson
Summary: Olivia opens up to Brian, first time they've been intimate since Surrender Benson. Post Psycho Therapist.


A/N: I'm awkward and I've never written smut before, so bear with me. One shot. Please read and review xx.

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns**

Olivia laid in her queen sized bed, blankets and pillows surrounding her entire body. She had been lying in bed for days, still not finding any motivation to get up. Olivia felt like a prisoner in her own body, after what Lewis did to her, touching her, almost raping her. Her body had become so foreign, she couldn't even look at herself in the mirror, it was like a different person was standing before her. A weak, depressed, pathetic woman. Brian hadn't touch Olivia in almost seven months, he understood that she needed time to heal, and being the good man that he was he was willing on waiting however long it took. Sadly Brian did miss Olivia's touch, and she missed his, but after all she went through the last thing on her mind was sex.

Olivia had taken the day off from work and as usual the day dragged on. Every moment was painful, she had constant flashbacks, her mind was always filled with memories of Lewis. He would forever be a part of her. When Olivia first came to this conclusion she couldn't handle it, she had wanted to die, she had completely given up. No matter how hard she tried she would never be able to erase the look of pure horror on Brian's face when he found Olivia drunk in their bathroom with a gun to her head. He knew things were bad, but he had no idea that Olivia had contemplated suicide.

Nowadays Olivia was at her lowest, her breaking point. After the trial with Lewis she had no faith in the Criminal Justice system, no faith in her job, and no faith in herself. Olivia let her mind wander before finally getting out of bed; it was late 9:30 p.m. She took a quick shower and returned back to bed in one of Brian's shirts and a pair of sweatpants. Olivia let her mind fill with memories of the trial. Olivia thought she could handle having Lewis cross exam her, but she was wrong. Having him so close to her telling lies hurt her in so many ways. She should have just had him plead guilty to rape, it would have spared her all that humiliation, but knowing she wasn't raped by Lewis meant a lot to Olivia. There is only so much someone can handle before they break. Olivia survived so much, Elliot's sudden departure, PTSD, failed relationships, her mother's abuse, but one thing Olivia was sure she couldn't survive was rape. And although Olivia wasn't a strong believer in God and hadn't been to church in years; she made sure to thank him every day for sparing her.

Brian came home at around 10 p.m. he expected to find Olivia sleeping in bed but instead he found her watching television in their bedroom. Olivia looked up at him and smiled weakly as he entered the room. Brian could see the pain in her eyes and he could tell she had been crying. It broke Brian's heart to see her so lost and broken, he wished he could help her, he wished he could take her pain away. But no matter how hard he tried Olivia wouldn't let him in, she always had her walls up and when she had finally put them down she was assaulted.

"Liv, I wish you would talk to me." Brian said.

"What is there to talk about?" Olivia said dryly.

"The fact that you've been lying in bed for days, you haven't been going to work, you haven't been eating. I wish you would open up, you know I'll listen." Brian said. He was pleading, begging for Olivia to open up.

"Brian, it's not that easy. Every time I give myself to someone they either leave…" Olivia trailed off, "Or they leave." She said flatly.

"Olivia, I'm not going anywhere, I'm always going to be here. I love you." Brian got onto the bed and sat next to Olivia. She fell into his arms.

"I knew it wouldn't be easy, but everything is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be." Olivia felt herself open up. "Lewis made me seem like some sick woman who let her carrier cloud her judgment. He convinced those jurors to believe him and for a moment I believed him too. He knew exactly what to say to make me tick, he got to me. He got to me before and he got to me again, except this time it was in front of so many people." Olivia wanted to cry, but she was so sick of crying. Every tear reminded her of how weak she had become. "I just need time to stop, so I can catch up. Some moments don't even feel real." Olivia paused, "I can't believe I've been through all of this." She said in honest disbelief.

"You're a fighter, you will survive this. No one deserves to go through what you've been through, life hasn't been fair to you, but life isn't fair to anyone." Brian paused trying to find his words, "Olivia I can't stress enough just how much I'll be here for you, I love you so much Liv." He had already said it, but he needed to say it again. He had to make sure Olivia knew it was true.

"I love you too Brian." Olivia said. Brian brushed his fingers over her cheek and lightly kissed Olivia on the lips. Olivia instinctively flinched at Brian's touch, but she had missed it so much. He felt her quickly relax as his hands found their way to her breast. A part of Olivia wanted to stop him, she wasn't ready, but it felt so good. Olivia's mouth found its way to Brian and she kissed him passionately. Her kiss spoke the words that her mouth couldn't, that she wanted him as badly as he wanted her. Brian pulled away from Olivia's mouth, his tongue wanting to explore her body completely. Brian climbed on top of Olivia pulling her sweatpants down, along with her underwear. He trailed kisses along her abdomen and hips, his mouth finally settling on her wet center. Brian's mouth sucked on her center, his tongue relishing in her sweet taste. Olivia moaned, she opened her legs wider her body craving Brian's mouth. Brian smiled at her obvious invitation to explore her even more. Olivia's head fell back as she groaned, Brian's touch was light at first, but he quickly increased his speed and pressure. His fingers continued to pump in and out of Olivia's center, Brian's mouth was still pressed against Olivia's core his mouth filling with her fluid as she came.

Olivia smiled and kissed Brian softly on the lips. The fact that she had even let him touch her, let alone make her come, was a big step for her. The first of many steps she thought. Brian was one of the only people that had been with her from the beginning, he had stayed even when he should have left. Olivia had been so blunt and mean when she had first met him, she was surprised he still wanted to give their relationship another chance. But Brian was crazy about Olivia, nothing would change that. He knew that in time her sadness would leave and she go back to the Olivia Benson everyone knew. The strong, fearless, beautiful woman he had so easily fallen in love with. It would take time, lots of it and Brian was willing to wait however long it take.

Olivia's head found its way to Brian's chest; she embraced his body kissing him once more before drifting into a deep sleep.


End file.
